September 14, 2010

Ad Contrarian Sells Out

The other day I did a little calculation of the benefits I have accrued from writing this blog.  Here's how it turned out:
  • Dollars earned...........................................................0
  • Clients won................................................................0
  • Fabulous tables at elegant restaurants.....................0
  • Invitations to be on "expert panels".........................0
  • One-nighters with super-hot nymphos....................0
  • Nasty looks from my business partners............8,812
As a result, I've decided it's time to drop my pretensions of integrity and sell out.

Now, honestly, I've been trying to sell out for years, but nobody wanted to buy. Consequently, when Adweek called and asked me to adapt one of my posts for a column for them, I thought, "Hello, golden goose!"

Images of dollar signs, and beach houses in Hawaii (I'd love to have you join us, but there just isn't room) went dancing dreamily through my mind. Fantasies of elegant meals on Park Avenue and cocktails with Barbara Lippert (I've always imagined she'd drink Bombay Sapphire martinis, straight up, with an olive) appeared before me, making me giddy or woozy or dippy or one of those silly words.

Then, like a bucket of cold water, reality reared its ugly head.

Not only do they pay bupkis, they don't even have a beach house in Hawaii! Cheap-ass bastards.

But I have a plan. It's essentially the drug dealer strategy applied to publishing. I'll give them the first column free. When their readers scream for more, or my readers bombard them with glowing comments (which I would never encourage, but certainly wouldn't want to stand in the way of, if you get my drift) then I'll really stick it to 'em.

Here are some of the non-negotiable demands I'm thinking of making:
  • A new magazine called Adcontrarianweek.
  • A guarantee that they'll publish my next book, which has been sitting on my desk for a year like a dead moth turning to dust.
  • Drinks with Barb
So be sure to look for my column Advertising in the Age of Hysteria in the online edition of Adweek tomorrow.

After years of wallowing in the putrid puddle of blogging, I'm gonna get everything I deserve!

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